Childless Journal

As I sit here and think about where to begin to describe my childlessness and infertility it is so overwhelming.   As far as I can remember I have always dreamed of being a mom.  I never thought that being able to not have children would ever interfere with my life.  Boy was I wrong.  

When I was a teenager, doctors told me that I would probably never conceive a child.  I never really believed them.  Then one day I when I was about 18, I found out that I was already going through menopause and that I was definitely not able to conceive.  I was totally devastated.  When I told my parents, I wish that I had cancer because that is easier to describe.  How do you describe infertility?

I felt that I had been robbed and that the thieves took all of the important parts that made me a woman.   I used to compare myself as less of a woman because I could not conceive. I will never be able to have my own child and never be able to tell my parents that they would be grand-parents.  Why I am on this earth and what is my purpose?

Even though the doctors told me I would not be able to physically conceive a child, I never believed them.  Then one day I was so tired of the constant pain that I was having from my monthly period.  My monthly period turned into a minimum of 6 months and then I became very tired.  I went through many tests to determine what was causing this unusual bleeding. I had to have several blood transfusions, iron transfusions and a large amount of medication to help me feel better.  None of this had a lasting impact on my quality of life.  When my GYN stated they wanted to retest me, I said no I have had enough. I need to take out all of my physical parts.  My doctor and I had this conversation a year before this decision was made and I had enough.  

I will NEVER forget the day I called my GYN to tell them I would like to schedule a hysterectomy.  I was physically and emotionally exhausted.  The weekend before I went to the beach to think and pray.  I was at peace with my decision.   After talking with my GYN, she called me a few hours later to tell me that my surgery will be schedule in 2 weeks.  Wow!  Really, my doctor listened to me!! How exciting!  Maybe for the first time ever I will have my life back whatever that means.  At the same time, I felt very scared and frightened because this means that I will never physically give birth to my own child. I will never be able to carry the family name.  I felt less of a person and felt like I should have never been allowed to live like this.  Why would God cause this much pain to such a young person.  

August 3rd, 2003 I had my hysterectomy.  This was a very peaceful, frightening and exciting time in my life.  Have you ever felt uncertain and certain about a decision?  My mom was very supportive and she was more nervous than I was about the surgery.  However, I was unprepared for the emotional turmoil that I would be facing for the rest of my life.   Infertility, losing my female parts and questioning why I was even allowed to be on earth is something I face every day.  Did I mention that I was only 21 when I had my hysterectomy? Eleven years later I finally realize why I am here and I am at peace with my decision to improve my quality of life over quantity.   This was the day that made me realize I will never be a mom!  This is something I face every day. 

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